A Thought on this Christmas Eve Night

 

As I sit here rocking my sleeping baby girl, the Christmas lights are twinkling and my mind is racing through the past year. My most blessed year. I didn't think anything could top last Christmas. The thrill of sharing our little secret and feeling love for our baby before she was even born. I didn't think anything could top that feeling....until now. Rocking and listening to her every breath. This moment tops last year.

When I was pregnant, I was so excited to just meet my baby and become a mommy. Now I know that being "excited" about becoming a mother is not enough. Excitement just doesn't cut it....I don't think there is any word to cover what you should be feeling. You just have no idea how amazing motherhood is until you are holding that sweet baby. I honestly think it even takes a little longer than that. It sounds cliche, but everyday I fall more in love with Em and become more excited about my new role as a mother. Now, when I see an expecting mother, I just want to run up to her and scream "ARE YOU SO EXCITED?!?" Ha...I know she is, but I want to tell her that that feeling doesn't cover it. It is indescribable. Motherhood is such a mixture of feelings...wonder, excitement, worry and... well just everything. The feeling doesn't have a name--- it is too big for a name.

Tonight I have been thinking about one mother in particular. That unnamed feeling must have been exactly what Mary was feeling on this night. She had to have been so excited yet so scared about her sons birthday and their future together. She must have fallen so in love so quickly with her newborn baby son. And I know she fell more in love everyday. Did she rock him like I rock Emery? Did she listen to his steady breath as he slept in her arms? I know she did and this makes me smile. The fact that I can share in this feeling with her and with all mothers is so comforting.
  
Another feeling that all mothers share in is worry and I cannot comprehend what Mary must have gone through with this feeling. If I'm not careful, my "mother- mind" starts to wonder and I will catch myself worrying about everything... and most of these things are out of my control. I don't know what life has in store for Emery. Who are her friends going to be? What will she love to do? What will she be when she is grown? What kind of person is she going to be? I'm sure Mary worried about these exact same things, but Mary knew deep down why The Lord sent her a son. I can't imagine knowing that my child was going to suffer. Being a mother, I know that Mary would have taken his suffering away if she could have. All mothers feel this way. It is ingrained in us. Tonight I just cannot stop thinking about Mary, a new mother, and the joy and worry  that lay ahead of her on this night.

I have always known the true meaning of Christmas and do believe that Jesus is the reason we are celebrating. But I have never felt this close to the story as I do tonight. Holding Emery tonight has got me thinking beyond the babe, swaddled in a manger. I'm thinking about God picking Mary and blessing her with a son. And because of her son's sacrifice,  I have been blessed with my own child to wonder (and worry) about. What a special night this truly is.... I will never feel the same about Christmas Eve again.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful night and a lovely Christmas Day tomorrow.

Love, The Jansens