Honest Thoughts From A Mom Going Back To Work

For a few weeks now I haven't been able to shake this weird yucky feeling. I have felt off. Like a bit grouchy, a bit panic-y, a bit sad, just a little bit of everything. I finally put my finger on it. January 4th is like now.

January 4th is when I go back to school. Kids go to Sharon's. The new new begins. And all of a sudden it just feels like it is here way too soon. I mean, I like what I do. Actually I love my new job. But I love my Baby B's smile and Auggie asking me to hold him and coloring with Emery. I love my pink robe and not having to be anywhere and I love the quiet calmness of my house during nap time.

This isn't my first go around with the "I wish I just stayed home" feelings. Three kids equals three times I have sworn I should just quit my job. Sworn that my babies wouldn't make it without me. Sworn I would be the best stay at home mom ever.

HA.

Who am I kidding? I couldn't stay home. When I stay home for a long period of time I feel like I slink into this Bad Mom funk. I become boring. I get distracted easily and am not present. I put my to-do list first. I get short. Heck I don't even bathe and rarely change my clothes. Bad. Mom.

Teaching is actually the best profession for me because summer breaks are perfection. And I am always ready to go back to work. 

And did you notice above that I said "just stay home"? There is no just about it. You stay at home Moms...I don't know how you do it. How do you keep up with the constant mess? The constant neediness? I mean I don't even know how you come up with three meal ideas to serve every day?

By now I recognize all of this in myself. It is not for me. That doesn't take away the fact that I will miss my newest baby fiercely. Bennett is now smiling so much and I am going to miss them all. Maybe Sharon will count them for me. Being his Mother, I know the perfect way to swaddle him up in his bouncy seat for a nap. Maybe I should film a tutorial. And I know what every sound he makes means. I will have to make up a key. This means I want a bottle. That means my paci fell out. I know this all makes me sound like a crazy mom. But aren't we all a little bit crazy...

The big kids will be fine. They love Sharon's and miss their buddies. Actually, knowing Em will be there with Bennett puts me a little at ease. She watches him like a hawk. He knows her sweet voice.

There is also the little fact that our babysitter is absolutely wonderful and close to home. That helps so much.

After I talk myself off the quit my job ledge, I then start to panic a little bit. How am I going to do all that I need to do? How am I going to be a good teacher and plan awesome lessons and grade with intention and also keep up with the laundry, the dishes, the nutritious meals (not lunchables or peanut butter and jellies even though the kids would be very happy with me)...

Oh shoot! I didn't even mention be a good and present wife and mother on that list. I should maybe start all over.

How am I going to be present? When am I going to play and cuddle and love and learn from my littles? When am I going to have a full conversation with my husband that actually means something? I already forget to stop what I am doing and kiss him hello when he walks through the door. I already tell the littles "in a minute" what feels like a hundred times a day. I already feel pulled too thin.

I am going to need help. Douglas already helps....but I find myself liking things done my way. So then I just do all the things but in the back of my mind I am mad that someone else isn't helping me. (Maybe I really am crazy). I am going to have to get over that. I am going to need Nana, Sam and Sue. Heck, the big kids can even help me. I can't do it all and it all doesn't have to be done. New motto I just made up. Trademark it.

I had been thinking about what my New Year's Resolutions should be. Because why not put more pressure on myself...

I had finally decided on bettering three things: My Mind. My Body. My Soul. I had already been pinteresting diet plans and work outs to get back into pre-baby shape. (Do they make work-outs to get you back to before three babies shape?) I bought myself a Mom devotional to read and was also gifted a book on how to pray for my children. Bettering my mind and soul at the same time! Both books are so so good and needed...but I was already finding it hard to fit in both readings. My heart wasn't in them and my mind kept wandering. Sometimes I feel like I only have time to read "If You Give a Dog and Donut" right now.

I realized that I was going about all this the wrong way. So I have change my mind. No New Years Resolutions. At least none for right now. Why set myself up for failure?

Wait. Actually I have ONE New Years Resolution that I think will solve all of my problems. My New Years Resolution is to be able to lay my head down at night, thank God for all that I have, pray for those in need, and fall asleep in peace. I don't want to go to bed with 100 tabs open in my head. I don't want to go to bed with feelings of regret or of a to-do list filling up my thoughts.

And I know that even just that one resolution will be hard.

I am not perfect and I never will be. My kids and husband love me. Homework and dishes can wait. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I have told myself all of this a thousand times. I have written blogs about this before.

But I really want 2018 to be all about living that out. I need to give thanks more often than I do. I know that the more I turn to God in this next year the better and better it will be.

So I am going to start the year off right there and see where it leads me.

I have 365 new days.

We will see!