Mom Lessons: Patience

Tuesday evening was rough.

Picked the kids up-all was fine.

Took Emery to dance and entertained Auggie for 45 minutes--all was fine.

Got chicken nuggets for supper (Doug was out of town--don't judge me)--all was fine.

And then Auggie struck. I could rant about how bad he was. Pushed every. single. button. I have.

I yelled. I lectured. I even swatted his little diapered butt. He didn't care about any of it.

He knew he had me. And I gave in.

Later that night I apologized to Emery for raising my voice at her too and for sounding grouchy in general. Her response: You just always sound like that.

That hurt.

Do I really? No. I couldn't possibly always be grouchy? Or short? Or demanding or...

And then I realized that maybe Emery was right and this yucky feeling I had in the pit of my stomach was because I knew I had not handled the evening the way I should have. That I don't handle a lot of things the way I should.

When I crawled into bed I knew I needed some Jesus. He will make me feel better. And man. Did he.

My devotional was about Paul and what I learned was that God is immensely patient. He wants everyone to experience his love and he waits for us. He loves us through our most unloveable times. I was not loving Auggie through his unlovable time--I was done. I know I literally threw up my hands and walked away at one point.

"He is hopeless. He will always be awful. Why am I even trying?"

I know that sounds dramatic. But it is kind of how I felt. Am I the only one?

God has not and will not ever throw up his hands. He will be patient and understanding and loving. That is such a big love. A love I want to show Auggie and Emery and Bennett. 

But I am impatient. Simple. It dawned on me that I bark orders at Emery all day and get frustrated if she is not brining me a paci as fast as I want her too or if she is taking too long to get buckled in the car. I am perpetually in the state of "busy". How many times a day do I say the words "hurry" or "lets go" or the empty threat, "Okay you will have to just stay here by yourself."

Why is this? I realized something this morning as I prayed for patience one minute and then got frustrated at turtle-Auggie the next. I often set myself up for failure. This morning I was not patient because I really didn't have the time to be. I was lazy and frustrated so I didn't take the trash out the night before--add that to the morning list. I hit snooze too many times because I love sleep and because of these two little choices I made, we were running late. I know it takes forever to get three kids ready and out the door....so waking up late and adding something to my morning routine probably wasn't the smartest. Easy fixes. Also I have found that if my kiddos and I have a good morning together I have a better day all around. So why would I not set my self up for success. Happy, patient, success.

I also realized I set unrealistic expectations on my children and call that "good parenting."

Moms--be honest. (Or maybe I am the only one) But don't we kind of lie to ourselves (and maybe others)...just a little. We stretch the truth? Oh my baby is sleeping (fill in the blank) number of hours. Oh my daughter does this or that. Oh your kid isn't/doesn't (eat vegetables/go to bed when you tell him to/listen/pick up/blah/blah/blah).

We compare ourselves. It is so hard not to. 

So I set the bar to make myself feel good and when my kids fall short I get mad. I get impatient.

I think those actions are really a pride thing. Momming is hard--throw in getting your pride hurt or thinking you are not good enough...that is really hard. 

But I know I have to change. God has whispered "patience" to me all day. It is all I can think about. I can hear Emery's sweet voice turning mean and short when she gets frustrated with her little brother. I wonder who she hears that from? And she gets in trouble too. That isn't really fair.

I am raising precious gifts. I am planting seeds. I need to be very careful what those seeds are.

Earlier this week I read Matthew 12:34-35

I didn't realize then how much I needed to hold on to those words.

34You brood of vipers! How can you speak good things, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

35 The good person brings good things out of a good treasure, and the evil person brings evil things out of an evil treasure.

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Those are powerful words. Crazy true words.

Goodness in--goodness out. Breath. Goodness in--goodness out.

My prayer going forward is for goodness in--goodness out. I pray that God helps me get rid of this pride thing I have and that his unconditional love will help me become the patient and understanding momma that I want to be. And that my kids deserve.

Amen.