Dwell on the Good

Whew. What a week. And not a "Wow! what a great week!" week...I'm talking "Wow! I am glad that week is over!" week. Someone in my house had a fever everyday last week. Someone cried in my house everyday (all day) last week (note that it was only me once). By the time our very last day of summer break rolled around we were all tired of each other. Em and Aug bickered, Bennett Lee never stopped whining (read: being a monster) and I lost my patience wayyy too quickly multiple times. To say that our last week or even last day of summer went the opposite of how I had dreamed would be an understatement. 

By Saturday I felt myself slipping into a grouchy funk. I felt sorry for myself. I felt pouty that my last sweet summer days hadn't gone as planned. I mean usually I am a woman on the go and instead I cleaned-up messes and felt for fevers all week. When evenings rolled around I couldn't wait to rant to Doug about how cranky B had been or how many time-outs Auggie had had  (many). I went from my usual "look for the good in them" type of gal to a "you will not believe what so-and-so did today" grumbler. Boo-hoo. 

It's crazy how quickly we can fix our eyes and thoughts on the negative. It's sad, but I find it hard to think of many sweet moments from the past week because my mind was already made up to skip the good and dwell on the bad. 

Dwell on the bad. I just sighed heavily after writing that because for a year come this Thursday, I had promised myself that I would do the opposite in remembrance and honor of my Grandma.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.” Philippians 4:6-8. 

This was my Grandma's favorite verse (well, one of many favorites). It is the verse she shared with our family when we learned of her cancer diagnosis. And it is a verse that she lived by and that I pray I can live by too. I miss my Grandma. A year passing doesn't seem possible and yet it feels like I have missed her for so long. She would be so excited to hear about Em starting the 1st grade. She would have called me every Monday this summer to see how Bennett did in speech. She would have been to every t-ball game and called Auggie "baby doll" when he ran over for a hug. 

I walked into my grandparents house last week and was brought to big, dropping tears when I saw a decoration in the living room out of place. I stood and held my front-room curtains one night this week and just couldn't seem to let go. She made them and I just wanted to feel her, picture her blue-veined hands. I ran across her big, shiny metal scissors in the mess of what is my craft closet and felt their weight in my hands and heart. Grief is weird like that. 

But just like I said one year ago, I know my Grandma would not want me to be sad. She also wouldn't want me to feel frustrated or guilty or negative. She had such a way of seeing the fine, good things in life. Her mind always, always thought about what she could praise God for. While she might have battled with worry or anxiety, she was the first one to proclaim that God is good......and now I don't think it was a coincidence at all that I had a rough week right before the one year anniversary of losing her. It's like I needed a little reminder that even when things don't go my way or when life isn't easy, I still have so, so much to thank Him for. I have so many pure and lovely, fine and good things to dwell on and be glad about.

I have a whole summer of messy-haired and dirty-feet Emery Kayt. I have the vision of her trying to peddle hard without training wheels, with Douglas running close behind. I have the feeling of diving into the deep end only to come up along side her, my new little mermaid. 

I have a whole summer of Auggie observations. The way he looks at the world is quite something. I have the feeling of his scrawny body beside me in bed every morning and for most afternoons. I have the memory of his first t-ball game, taken oh so seriously. 

I have a whole summer of the sought after sound of Bennett's voice. I have the joy that my second son brings with his contagious smile (and big dimple). I have the pleasure of maybe becoming his favorite. Maybe. 

I have a whole summer of dances in the kitchen, lightning bugs caught, ice cream after supper, comfy clothes, wine with my husband, laughter at the table, morning cuddles, big days, slow days, lessons learned and answered prayers. 

And now I have a new season. I have a classroom full of students who I cannot wait to be with and I have two very excited kiddos at home ready for school to start.

I have a lot. 

I realize now that my rough week really in the scheme of things was not that rough at all,  but I also think I am validated in my feelings. It's okay and good to say things are hard sometimes and to grow and get back to the good. I pray I remember this lesson when and if life really does get hard. I have so many strong people in my life that have had more than just a week go a little wrong. They have had weeks, months, years not go as planned. Weeks, months, years of pain, sadness, frustration  After seeing how quickly I slumped into negativity, I am in awe of their attitudes, smiles and faith. I add them to the list of good, good, good in my life.

As I start school this week, I have added the ability to dwell on the good to my prayer list for not just myself, but for my students, my colleagues, my children, my children's teachers, and my children's peers. I have been praying for open minds and hearts, for stress free environments, for safety and for GOD to continue to move our mountains and give us a place to find peace and refuge. He has been working people! My list of praises starting out this school year is long. Thank you Jesus for the blessings seen and unseen that you have done in my life!

And thank you Grandma. For watching over me and reminding me and loving me. 

Happy New School Year! Time to dwell on the good!