Looking Back, Looking Forward

At the end of the year I seem to get very nostalgic. I want to freeze time. Relive memories. Remember everything.  I can also get very antsy and excited for a new year.  (I know. I am a walking contradiction sometimes.) I am not a patient person, so I find myself eager to see what the next year has in store. Every year I seem to spend December and January torn between longing for the past and eagerly awaiting the future. 

That is me this year. Torn. I want this to be us forever. I want Em to blow me kisses until I blow one back when I drop her off at school. I want Auggie to sneak into my room and cuddle in the early morning. I want Bennett to lay his head on my shoulder when I carry him. I want Doug and I's biggest frustrations to be bed time and who is picking who up where. I want right now, and I long for time to stop. 

I have felt this every year. But if I would have gotten my wish, I wouldn't have what I have now. I wouldn't know what it is like to have a big girl who asks big questions and does big girl brave things. I wouldn't know what it is like to have a four year old who is on fire for school and asks a million questions a day. I wouldn't know what it is like to finally hear the sweet sound of my youngest saying "Momma" after months of hard work. I wouldn't know what a good dad Douglas is or how much I need our families and friends. 

Right now I think I lean towards being eager for the future. A part of me will always long for pieces of my past. I long to talk to my Grandma. I long to hold each of my babies. In each of those souls, in each of those moments, I find God. I feel his love. But its in the future that I really sense him right now. 

Jeremiah 2:9-11: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." 

I was reminded several times of this verse this year. I have seen it at work. I have prayed over these plans. How could I not be excited for the future?!?

I have so much I want to remember, but I have so much I am hopeful for. 

I want to remember Emery Kayt just like this. On the verge of a cackle. Her laugh has never changed and I hope it never does. I want to remember her belting out Lauren Daigle songs from the back seat (after she has asked me to turn it up ten times). I want to remember her lyrical dancing in the kitchen, her sweet tooth and her hatred of baths. I want to remember her messy book bag, her big handwriting and her questionable spelling. I want to remember combing her hair, her simple style and her momma heart.

I hope this next year brings her stronger friendships, more bravery and lots of fun little moments. My girl is a lover of the little things.

I want to remember August Samuel just like this. Scrawny, stubborn and sweet. I want to remember his little giggle and his handsome smile. I want to remember his love for pop tarts, asking questions and me (still a momma's boy). I want to remember his perfectly practiced "g's", his hard-headedness and his imagination. And I want to remember what he feels like when he still asks me to carry him. 

I hope this next year brings him a more open mind, a little adventure and a whole lot of big kid stuff. Auggie Boy is ready to be big. 

I want to remember Bennett Lee just like this. Orneriest of them all, silliest of them all, most kissable of them all (he doesn't want the kisses but I still cover him in them). I want to remember his favorite responses of "wup" and "ohhh right". I want to remember every single word he says because he has worked hard to find them. I want to remember his tag-a-long ways and his love for his siblings. I want to remember his side eye smirk, his bossy-bully attitude and his dimple. Can't ever forget his dimple. 

I hope this next year brings him less frustration and lots of words. And whatever else he wants. Because we all know I am going to give it to him. 

Together I hope this next year for them is full of memories, inside jokes, dance parties, helpful hands, laughter and love. I hope they love each other like they do now forever. 

I love them. 

I love my boys. I hope my boys will continue to take after their Daddy. I hope this next year they make memories in the back yard, on the ball field and in our home. These every day places are were important life lessons are learned. 

I love my girl. I hope I can be the Mommy she needs me to be. 

I love my man too. I hope this new year finds us both healthy, happy, and with an even stronger love for each other.

Normally I would reflect back on my past year, but I think I am too close to 2019 to know what I learned from it. I guess I am still processing, discovering and digesting its lessons. I do know it was good. I know I am closer to family, closer to friends, and most importantly closer to God. And I know that these are not goals you can ever check off a list. They are ever growing, ever changing. So I just hope 2020 is a continuation of growing and trusting. 

I look back and count my blessing. I look forward and do the same. 

Excited for 2020 and all that it has in store! 

Happy New Year || Here's to 2020!